I know how to wake up.
I’m fairly good at showing up.
I can fake a smile,for the most part.
I have never figured out how to keep the machine running non-stop. A word better left unspoken; a mismanaged grimace in response to an internal conversation.
It’s all downhill from there.
Me vs. Me
All day, every day.
How can I keep from throwing all of my helpful wrenches directly into the gears?
Every action so well thought out.
Each situation an afterthought…even before it’s happened.
I envy you, and your simple life.
I chose the low road…from the beginning.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
To dream, perchance to escape reality and be what my world needs me to be.
My mind is abuzz.
I keep seeing people shouting out in anger, and fear…
The world needs help. And no one is listening.
Everyone is carrying on like it’s all ok.
Everything is NOT OKAY.
You are not mine, and never were.
I tried to claim something that belonged to another.
That simple action, however simple…was built upon complex examinations of a relationship built upon years.
My theory was wrong…my experiment proved itself to be wasteful and not only a misuse of time, but a detriment to those involved.
A misguided mind.
A phrase…used as a crutch.
This Ms….lacking Guidance.
I DO have regret. I AM sorry. I will probably visit your presence again…but it isn’t really you I crave. I crave your connection…your ability to claim your spot as ‘Family’.
I will never have that.
Ode to an invisible friend:
It appears in all aspects of my life.
Misunderstanding good intentions.
Misunderstanding bad intentions.
Days measured in credits…so many gained, despite being unused.
Staying with someone who would be better off free.
Being a wife for too many years.
Giving up being a wife…selfishly.
The young lives I cherished but took for granted.
Straying from a faith that served me well.
Missing out on time that a close two weeks could never make up for.
Looking for love when I didn’t know what love was.
Missing out on love…when that love only comes from Family.
I know regret. It does exist – it is real and tastes like bile. It plays on repeat in my mind all day. All attempts to stop the spinning end up leading to more regret.
She walked with head held high.
A resounding theme: redundancy.
Truth contradicted, but truth nonetheless.
The sheer athleticism of carrying that impressive ego around all day, while maintaining that precarious image…how does she do it folks?
Her guard is down; it is time for her to make her move.
The test: finding her true form.
The universe is spinning…with even more beyond.
The earth keeps turning; its people are just along for the ride.
Each geographic location offers more and more definition.
And there she sits. She does little and regrets much.
A speck of dust ~ concerned with laying upon that neglected piece of furniture in such a perfect display ~ only to be swiped away by some dutiful employee…eventually.
The power of being dust: you can make a person expel an astronomical sneeze through no will of their own. They will be blessed.
I am always trying.
I want to be something, or someone.
I want to not be here, or to be there.
I love to attempt things.
To succeed, well….that is another matter.
I have not done that often, and when I do, it feels foreign.
I have great ideas of who I could be, what I could do, where I could go…
I am here. But barely.
I will do it all again tomorrow, that much is certain.
Consistency ~ rhymes with Lynn.
The woman that once was…more present than ever.
People who never knew her knew her now.
It was true for both…Mom and her shadow.
Little me ~Big her.
Forever and always.
I could never fill those shoes…but I loved her.
She loved me, too.
Trapped in the middle:
Beyond a savior
Overcome the valley…unsure of the mountain
Stagnant. Balanced (however precariously)
Leveled. Flat. Neither up, nor down. Looking forward, back, and all around…not knowing where I am…with no place to go.
My tender heart breaks daily.
I can see people suffering all around, and I realize that my beautiful life is one to be envied.
Why do I attempt to make myself the center of it all? I could do so much more.
Each conversation is an opportunity to put myself on display.
Every battle won lets me show that I’ve won bigger, done greater.
Low self-esteem. A Napoleon complex.
They think they see someone genuine, kind ~ relateable…they don’t see ME.