I know how to wake up.
I’m fairly good at showing up.
I can fake a smile,for the most part.
I have never figured out how to keep the machine running non-stop. A word better left unspoken; a mismanaged grimace in response to an internal conversation.
It’s all downhill from there.
Me vs. Me
All day, every day.
How can I keep from throwing all of my helpful wrenches directly into the gears?
Ode to an invisible friend:
It appears in all aspects of my life.
Misunderstanding good intentions.
Misunderstanding bad intentions.
Days measured in credits…so many gained, despite being unused.
Staying with someone who would be better off free.
Being a wife for too many years.
Giving up being a wife…selfishly.
The young lives I cherished but took for granted.
Straying from a faith that served me well.
Missing out on time that a close two weeks could never make up for.
Looking for love when I didn’t know what love was.
Missing out on love…when that love only comes from Family.
I know regret. It does exist – it is real and tastes like bile. It plays on repeat in my mind all day. All attempts to stop the spinning end up leading to more regret.
I have been asked why I started writing.
I guess the most honest answer is that I always wanted to. I tried sending my thoughts to someone who didn’t appreciate them. That stung, but I decided that I still felt like they needed to be voiced, so I found a more appropriate outlet.
I started by posting those thoughts on Facebook, but realized that I wanted to have them housed in one place, so I created my blog.
My writings are observations mostly, either of happenings in my life or just my raw emotion. They are usually just selfish statements that have little to do with anyone else, however I have heard that some who read them feel very much like I am speaking directly to them and expressing their feelings as well.
I have been considering posting more lighthearted things, but currently I’m feeling darkhearted, and I feel obligated to stay true to my present state of mind.